Friday, January 05, 2007

2006: The Year in Haikus

Hello Thinkers,

Before we get to the third annual Tuffbeingright Haiku Festival, I just wanted to make one quick comment on a couple seemingly unrelated items. First, some of you may recall a fictional rant I composed back in April of 2005 called "An Evening on the Southern Border". It is one of my favorites. If you are new to "The Thinkers" check it out. The second item is Nancy Pelosi's comments after her recent coronation as House Speaker:

"For all of America's children, the House will be in order."

You know, I always hate it when politicans say they are doing something "for the children." Because basically that means they have no logical reason for doing something (usually some commie-socialist legislation) and they have to fall back on the sappy heart strings to shut down the argument against them. It also implies that if you don't agree with them, you hate children. It is a stupid argument for the idiots among us - period.

And what if you don't have kids? I guess that means the legislators who make these arguments have license to screw you.

So, by now you may be wondering what do these two items have in common? Well it may interest you to know that a border post manned by the US Border Patrol and National Guard was overrun by gunmen from south of our border:

"The Border Patrol says the incident occurred somewhere along the 120 mile section of the border between Nogales and Lukeville. The area is known as a drug corridor. Last year, 124-thousand pounds of illegal drugs were confiscated in this area."

So given that gunmen overran a US border station in an area known as "drug corridor," what is the Nancy Pelosi led house going to do... you know - "for America's children?" Yes, you already know the answer - not a damn thing. Enjoy the brave new world folks. Not that the Republicans were any better - in the Senate anyway.

But enough of the doom and gloom. The change of the calendar is upon us and it is haiku time! Any mindless puke can wax poetic the year past, just look at Matt Lauer if you doubt me. But here, we love a challenge. Cast the news events and news makers of 2006 within the tight restrictions of haikus, while keeping the spirit of the story alive. This is not simple task, which is probably why I only do this once a year. So for those of you who have forgotten how to write haikus like that one you did for that stupid 10th grade english project, here they are:

1. Haiku-poems consist of respectively 5, 7 and 5 syllables in three units. In Japanese, this convention is a must, but in English, which has variation in the length of syllables, this can sometimes be difficult.

2. Avoiding similes and metaphors.

3. Retaining Japanese values.

As is the case every year, I have decided to ignore rules 2 and 3 completely, and will only loosely follow rule 1. Once again, I have replaced rules 2 and 3 with the following Tuffbeingright-Haiku rule:

1A. Have fun at the expense of others.

For those of you new to the Thinkers list, or those with a soft spot for nostalgia, the previous two years of haikus are here:

So here they are. For your entertainment - the people and events of 2006 - the year in haikus:

Border security debate in the senate
Porous feckless border
"But we need the votes real bad"
More burrito Senator?

Saddam Hussein
Tin horn despot,
Swingin under a tree,
"H" "A" "N" "G" "I" "N" "G"

The '9/11 was an inside job' crowd
"Jews. Rove. They did it.
The evidence is obvious.
My cat told me so."

Mike Nifong and the duke lacross non-rape case
White perp, black 'victim'
"Hmmm... I really need the votes...
Guilty! Hang em high!"

Sandy Burgler
Docs damage, must hide.
"Crinkled papers pinch my nuts."
Don't fret, he will skate

The mountain climbers who died on Mt Hood, OR
Veteran climbers
"Hey, lets climb in December!"
Shhh... Darwin at work

Taco Bell, Olive Garden, et al
Yummy food, feeds gang
"I'll have extra lettuce please...
My guts are coming up!"

Paris Hilton
Bling, Booze, puny dogs
Pantiless crotch photos? "Whatever!"
"A job? What's that?"

Steve Irwin
"Krickey! Huge Stingray!
Lets F with it on camera!"
Shhh... Darwin at work.

Kim Jung Il
New nuclear weapons
US foreign policy twinges
"Me get new slut now!"

Mohammed Cartoon Jihad
Religion of Peace.
"What, you say that's not true?
We kill you infidel!"

Jeffrey Skilling, Dennis Koslowski, et al
How to hit profit goal?
"Hmmm, just erase this number here..."
Grab your ankles boys.

Katie Couric
Aged uppity skank.
Shifts to do "serious" news.
Dozens watch her talk.

Madonna adopts an African boy
Latest fashion trend.
But if he must do chores,
Is that slavery?

John Kerry
"The military are idiots!!
Uhh.. I meant Bush is an idiot!"
Range targets look like John.


Blogger USpace said...

Great stuff, thanks!

absurd thought -
God of the Universe says
don't hate evil support it

absurd thought -
fight wars to lose
that's what God wants

absurd thought -
God of the Universe says
negotiate forever

absurd thought -
God of the Universe says
ignore enemies' lies

absurd thought -
God of the Universe says
agree with terrorists

just never admit the truth
that you want them to win

6:50 PM  

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