Wednesday, January 05, 2005

January 6, 2005 - 2004 - The Year in Haikus

Today's Commentary: January 6th, 2005

Hello Thinkers,

Maybe I am being subliminally programmed. It could be that while I read, nap or otherwise am engaged in useful endeavors, the background clatter of TV shows like "Will and Grace", "Queer Eye", "Trading Spaces", "Trading Spaces - Family Edition", "Trading Spaces - Holiday Special", "Trading Spaces - Families with Pet Penguins" or "Trading Spaces - The Best Of" are having an effect. But for whatever reason I am feeling "artsy" enough to revisit a once dreaded grammar school English class assignment, the Haiku. Why we were taught about Haikus in English class, I'll never know. By the time my son takes an English class, they will probably be making PiƱatas, if they are not doing this already.

Regardless, being filled with a lust for culture, I revisited the rules and syntax for creating Haikus. For those of you needing a refresher, they are:

1. Haiku-poems consist of respectively 5, 7 and 5 syllables in three units. In Japanese, this convention is a must, but in English, which has variation in the length of syllables, this can sometimes be difficult.

2. Avoiding similes and metaphors.

3. Retaining Japanese values.

I could put links to Haiku sites that explain this in more detail, but neither you nor I care. Also, in my exercise, I decided to ignore rules 2 and 3 and replaced them with the following tuffbeingright-Haiku rule:

1A. Have fun at the expense of others.

Of course the challenge with Haikus is to convey the essence of the subject in this terse format. Emboldened for the task, I submit them for your perusal. I only ask that if a future commentary opines the virtues of male figure skating, one of the nearby Thinkers will have mercy and kill me.

So here they are. The people and topics of the past year. 2004 - The Year in Haikus.

Global Warming
Earth cooks so they claim
Movie says it must be true
Damn, its cold outside

Ted Kennedy
Fat drunken royalty
The splash, the drowning, the flee
He stays, we are fools

Teresa Heinz-Kerry
Once probably hot
Known never verbal restraint
Now the skank - poor John

2004 Presidential Election
Copley Square parties early
Polls query women, minorities
Midnight rain, their hangover

Dan Bin Rather
Bald face liberal whore
Boomerang of bias strikes his ass
The foot fits - eat it

Once germane, now feckless
Like an aging barroom tart
The arrogance, the smell

Diane Feinstein
Anti gun crusader fights
Disarms citizens, felons care not
She needs gun, you don't

Post 2004 Presidential Election
Lib fury, blame the gays
Media elite cannot understand
Baldwin still won't leave

Micheal Moore
Facts pesty, left is right
Cutting room floor the witness
Pass the doughnuts please

Yasser Arafat
People poor, wife gaudy
French idol this terrorist pig
Did he bite pillows?

The UN
Tin horns blast loud, clear
Zion, America suck! Saddam nice!
Send us more cash please

Amber Frey
Nice guy but too good?
Fate twists, spotlight, peddle book
Keep your clothes on please

Indiana Pacers
I am sports hero, god
Hey! Hey! Who threw that beer?
Kick your ass, Mo Fo

Ron Reagan's Funeral
Pageantry national grief
Loved by most, achievements vast
Clinton is pissed

Swift Boat Veterans
Not so fast Johnny
Cambodian Christmas? Not!
Kerry will ignore. Oops


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