Tuesday, December 20, 2005

2005: The Year in Haikus

Hello Thinkers,

It is that time of year again. While not as politically heated as last year, 2005 certainly had its share of memories. From Howard Dean telling the nation that he "hates Republicans and everything they stand for," to Cindy Sheehan shattering her glass ceiling and becoming the most despised "Gold Star Mother" in America, it has been an interesting ride. What better way to celebrate the Christmas Season than to look back at the year in a way which will make every grammar school English teacher I had, roll in their sacred graves. May the nuns rest in peace.

Yes it is time for "2005: The Year in Haikus." The annual literary challenge for the Tuffster as he tries to cram as much slander as possible into three lines as emaciated as Mary-Kate Olsen. For those with a penchant for nostalgia, last year's Haikus are here:

As a reminder to those of you unfamiliar with Haikus, here are the three basic rules of format:

1. Haiku-poems consist of respectively 5, 7 and 5 syllables in three units. In Japanese, this convention is a must, but in English, which has variation in the length of syllables, this can sometimes be difficult.

2. Avoiding similes and metaphors.

3. Retaining Japanese values.

As was the case last year, I have decided to ignore rules 2 and 3 completely, and will only loosely follow rule 1. Once again, I have replaced rules 2 and 3 with the following Tuffbeingright-Haiku rule:

1A. Have fun at the expense of others.

So here they are - submitted for your perusal. The people and topics of the past year. "2005: The Year in Haikus."

Merry Christmas!

Brad Pitt
Bad flick, hot costar.
"No Jenn, we're just FRIENDS..."
Headboard goes THUNK! THUNK!

The "Torture" of Captured Muslim "Insurgents" by the US
Miring in dark cells.
"Get her boobs out of my face!!"
Scream the terrorists.

Nancy Pelosi
Human or robot?
Spin blathering mannequin.
Hey Nancy! Blink Dammit!!

Tookie Wiliams
Liberal hero.
"Slaughters four but hey, so what?"
Whew! Thank you Arnold!

Katie Couric
Biased as they get.
Useless aging news trollop,
But still a nice rack.

Cindy Sheehan
Nails on a chalkboard.
Your fifteen minutes are over!
The book signing abyss.

Dan Bin Rather
Poor liberal fool.
"Story of my dreams come true!
Run with it! Uhhh, oops..."

Ted Kennedy
White House dream crashes.
Like a full crystal tumbler,
Or a submerged Olds.

John Kerry
So close yet so far -
Take solace with TERR-AYY-SAH.
Wrap yourself in man-hands!

Global Warming
The sky is falling!
Bush and big oil are to blame.
Did you feel that draft?

Valerie Plame
Secret agent girl?
A Langley parking sticker -
Is on her windshield

Ocean ebbs curiously.
Hey! Wow! Let's go check it out!
Shhhh... Darwin at work.

The SCOTUS Imminent Domain Ruling
Liberal judges rule.
Sorry Gramps, we need taxes!
Here, have a doughnut.

Howard Dean
Proof of DNC folly.
The donkey maintains its slide.
Please keep him in '08.

Michael Jackson
I am innocent!
Here kid, have some Jesus Juice.
Let's play "Nude Twister."

Tom Cruise
Big star, new religion.
Ditches wife for younger meat.
No blood to the brain.


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