Tuesday, July 27, 2004

July 27, 2004 - The 2004 DNC Pukefest - Day 1

Today's Commentary: July 27th, 2004

Gentle Readers: I now am in my basement composing the rant below. I try very hard to ensure correct spelling, grammar, and semantics in these texts. However, I am now typing live as the DNC is broadcast on CSPAN (yes - I have no life), and my quality control on the prose below may not be up to the standards I try to keep. Especially since this televised event is continually testing my gag reflex, I will be growing more tired with each passing useful idiot. Please bear with me.

Hello Thinkers!

Well I've been trying to keep these blurbs of mine down to one a week. However, looking back over my archives, I see that I am averaging about two a week. I thought that I would try to cut back to weekly output during the DNC, but to quote Lloyd Bridges from the comedy "Airplane!", I guess I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

I found myself racing to the local pizzeria to pick up my family's dinner on Monday night. When I got there, the employees were making food, but their eyes were glued to the baseball game on TV. Your humble correspondent could not stay however, as I had to get home to watch the DNC. This evening, while Jimmy's Pizza is watching curveballs, I will be watching screwballs. God help me.

Where do I start? How about with the woman who wants to be first skank, Teresa. Unlike John 'channel the voice of child clients' Edwards, I do not claim to be clairvoyant - nor do I even consider myself very good with my own instincts. However, if Vegas allowed it, I would have bet the ranch that Teresa will be a major liability for the Kerry campaign. By now, you have probably heard, just after a heart-felt speech in which she said "We need to turn back some of the creeping, un-Pennsylvanian and sometimes un-American traits that are coming into some of our politics," she bared her fangs at a reporter for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review and told him to "shove it". While this blooper is hardly going to dent Kerry's poll numbers, there are over 100 days left, and her feet are looking MIGHTY tasty. But John Kerry is standing by his man saying "My wife speaks her mind appropriately." Compared to Whoopie's comments at his recent fund-raiser, he's probably right. So much for the new tone in Washington.

At the time of this writing, the the Boston Herald is reporting a story in which Teresa Heinz Kerry once said "I don't trust Ted Kennedy", calls him a "perfect bastard", and refers to the Democrats as "putrid". Maybe she's not as dumb as I figured. Now before I am blackballed as sexist, I believe Teresa is a liability not because she is reportedly a woman, but because she has always been rich, she's never been under such public scrutiny, and whatever she wanted was always at the snap of a finger. I guess even $500 million can't buy class. I'm sure both her and John will be able to relate to the common man much better as the spotlight gets brighter.


A quick digression. Remember how Whoopie was claiming that her first amendment rights were violated because her employer dropped her after her comments at the aforementioned Kerry fund-raiser? While all of us who think know that she is an idiot for twisting the meaning of the Constitution by claiming this, you may not know that the owner of a Boston restaurant has truly had his first amendment rights violated, by - get this - the government.

Mark Pasquale posted a banner which read, `D.N.C. THANKS FOR NOTHING! GO BUSH'. Pasquale has had to shut down his business during the DNC since I-93 has been closed and Boston's Mayor Menino suggested that all Boston workers "stay home". Pasquale has been cited and fined because his banner was illegal. I wonder if the banner read "I support the striking Boston Police Union", would he have been given the same treatment?


At the Fleet center, Al Gore was picking at his 4 year old scab. After many allusions to his failed head-butt with the Electoral College, he focused on John Kerry's environmental record. Al Gore has always been on the cutting edge of critical environmental issues - like the time in NYC when he preached to us about global warming and the pending world destruction surely to result. Of course it was January 15th, 2004 when the thermometer barely made it above 0 degrees (that's Fahrenheit) outside, and it ended up being one of the coldest days in NYC history. With timely, thoughtful support like that, Kerry can't lose.

During a between-speakers video presentation, Sen Diane Feinswine pitched to us how critical it is for the US to stop developing nuclear weapons. Yep. That's a winner in our post 9-11 world. Not just cut them back mind you - but stop. If it were up to the Senator from California, our nuclear arsenal would deteriorate since the rest of the world is not developing any similar weapons. Nope - not Iran, not Libya, not China and CERTAINLY not North Korea! You know if we would only reach out to these scared, vulnerable sheep in wolves clothing, they would certainly support a global nuke ban and we could all buy the world a coke. Looks like I'm not the only glue-sniffer around here.

Next up at the improv, Jimmy Carter. I must confess, I like him. The same way I like my dog. He's generally nice and has a good heart. However, I believe Zak would have shown slightly better intellectual leadership for our country. Apparently so did 43 out of 50 states in 1980. Like most of the other speakers, President Carter is opining about how we have alienated our allies and ruined our 'international reputation' with our "extremism." Does he mean allies like the ones who illegally sold weapons to Iraq despite UN sanctions? Does he mean allies who lined their pockets with UN Oil-for-Food money?

Wow. Carter is now way off his meds! He is currently blaming the recent unrest in the Israel/Palestine conflict on the past 4 years of the Bush administration - especially painful after the progress made under the Clinton administration. Now if memory serves me correctly, Clinton's advances in the region collapsed while he was still in office. In fact it was July 2000 at Camp David when Barak and Arafat refused to continue negotiations and brought an end to the summit. Shortly after (still under Clinton), Ariel Sharon visited the Temple Mount which is administered by a Muslim organization. The result? Violent confrontations between Muslims and Israeli Police. It was yet again a failed attempt at a Clinton legacy beyond perjury, impeachment and disgusting sex with overweight hussies - both the first lady and the intern. Forget what I said earlier, Zak is way smarter than Carter could ever dream. But for now, Carter doesn't drool as much.

I was hoping to stay up for the Bill and Hillary love fest, but I am fading fast. I have a dentist appointment Tuesday morning and after watching the DNC for the past few hours, I'm actually looking forward to it. Now, where's my glue?


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